WTF?!  I say at this moment.  Well it seems like I am always saying that.  There is always something going on in my life that never really makes sense.  They should in some odd way, but they don't.  Rule for dating that I have quickly come to learn:  Never get high and drunk and discuss you or your partners beliefs.  Because such acts lead to a mental/emotional break down.
The things that matter to me and my friends and family are all connected in someway to which we all agree on some level.  But when there is someone who is introduced into my life that goes against everything  in me then it becomes unnerving and I angst about it until I completely cut that person out of my life.
The night of the confrontation started out like any other night of smoking and drinking.  Nothing to intense was happening, but by the end of the night THC had taken over he and I.  The person I am refering to is someone that I am seeing.  We will call him......Jack.  That's a good civil name I think. 
The discussion was about our beliefs in "a Faith".  This can have different meanings depending on the person.  It turns out that we have two different meanings and beliefs in this area.  Which is fine.  I can except and hear what others have to say.  No matter what the belief I will respect that person and view them as an equal.  Well Jack does not see it that way.  Jack is an Athiest.  He believes that science is right in everything that it does and says.  Which is fine.  But those outside of his way of thinking, Jack says, is below him.  Jack also says that "Anyone who can belive in anything that is so absurd (religion) are idiotic, non Logical thinkers that does not even deserve his time."
Everything else in the conversation was fine up until this point.  Being honest with myself I know that I am no scholar, but I have a decent education and have experienced many things in my life that puts me in a position of bieng well rounded.
So he goes to say that my education was very narrow minded and that his experiences were rounded and across the board.  Here lays the problem within that statement. I feel that if you were as well rounded as you say you were then you would have no problem excepting the beliefs of the people around you.  To not respect another Human Being just because they believe something else is right is a ludicrous idea within itself.
By the end of the conversation I shut down completely.  I didn't say another word.  It's not that I didn't have anything to say.  We could have argued all night on the subject and gotten nowhere.  It was because what I saw come next was the ego.  When every sentence that I said came out with less and less terms, words, letters, the more the smirk on his face grew.  I knew at this moment this was probably not going to work anymore.
So for the rest of the night I say nothing.  The next day I say nothing.
I called him today at 10:56 telling him to meet me on the river front at 12 for my lunch break.  He came 5 minutes late.  He pulled up in his little white car smiling and offering a gift of pizza in cardboard box.  I accepted.  Then we walked to the river front where I only took one bite of a slice and put it back into the box.  There was hardly any words spoken the 45 minutes we were there. 
The combination of pizza and heat was making nauseous.  My stomach had been in knots all morning and the pizza was doing a number on my insides as it worked it's way through my gut.  The water was not as still as it usually was.  There were two men on jet ski's skimming across the water at high speeds, the surface becoming agitated, rolling with fury from being tread on by sun beaten red men riding on there strange machines.  The sun tried to make it feel better by sending it luminous light to converse with.  The light and water danced to the rhythm of the distant water making love to the bank, slapping and thrashing about the earth so lightly.  But the water only participated for a moment and calmed, saving it's energy for the anger that it felt for the red men riding their strange machines, violating it's every drop.
My inside twisted and gargled.  The angst of sitting here with Jack was not subsiding.  The grass beneath my feet cracked faintly singing a song of defeat as I touched it with the edge of my shoe.  Summer had passed and fall had set in.  Even the grass knew that it was time to give up to the seasons that were changing.
I look at Jack, because at this point it is all I could do.  I don't feel that I can talk to him about anything anymore.  After the discussion the other night we headed to bed.  I thought about losing my parents.  I often thik about this.  I don't know why.  I guess the thought of losing your creators and foundation, the closest thing you know to God, is a unfathomable.  What will I do?  No answer.  When a situation arises that does not have answer then you know it's a bottomless pit in your stomach, lump in your throat, soul destroying bad.  I contemplate on this for a great while.  I can feel Jacks breath on the back of my neck as he slept next to me.  I nudge him.  No response.  I nudge him again.  Still no response.  Once more a nudge.  This time he stirs with a moan. "What baby?"  He says softly and confused from being awaken from his slumber. 
"I think I'm flipping out!" I respond.
"About what?"  He tries to sound concerned, but I know that he is not.
There is a slight pause before my next answer.  I immeadiatley go back to the conversation hours before.  At this moment it comes to me.  You know how sometimes you search for something in the dark then at some point you find a light source to guide you? When that light comes on you realize what you were looking for is not in that place you thought it was. I knew that if I told Jack what I was thinking about he would give some scientific explanation of why it was going to happen.  His ego would take over and at some point in him talking I would end up under it's foot.
"Nothing."
"You sure, babe?"
"Yeah I'm fine."  Nothing more was said that night.
At that moment I needed to have someone there that was going to simply say.  "Everything is going to be okay."  This is something that I will never get from him.
So nothing was said in that 45 minutes.  He tried to touch me, but with no response from my body.  No hugs or kisses when I went back to work.

Here I am at this complicated machine.  My only task is to simply relay what's going through my head onto the screen of this shiny luminous contraption.  But for me i can't simply just do that.  I have wonder how the machine was made, how my thoughts are created how I was created, and how the universe came to be.  Sometimes I feel like going crazy.  Sometimes when I am driving I think shit this is nice.  I have no reason to be angst about anything that is going on around me.  Then I see people as i drive.  These people do what they do you know.  Riding bikes, mowing the lawn, etc.  Then I see this guy drive up next to me in a shinny red 2008 corvette.  Then it starts me to thinking about how hard I have worked in my life and basically have nothing to show for it.  At this moment I reach for my smokes.  I know this is a habit that I need to break but that task seems to impossible at this moment.  I drive at a decent speed along the avenue keeping in mind that it is probably over the speed limit, but I pay attention the road in front of me.  I smoke thinking that the cup of coffee I am going to have is going to be tasty.  But then I realize that the river is a few more blocks from the coffee shop.  At this point I want to drive my car there, onto the walkway and put it in nuetral at the top of the hill,   Get out take a long drag of the smoke and give the tail end of the car on good push with my foot.  Another drag.  I figure that it would take about five more hits of my cig before the car totally submerges in the water.  As I watch the back of the car sink to it's destination the only thing I can think about now is how great that cup of El Diablo is going to taste.